Poem for contest please comment? - basketball drawings
New poem I'm curious in a competition, what others think.
Earthworms
It's raining and dark.
Children's Sidewalk Chalk Drawings
Eddy in the middle
the basketball court.
We are wet.
Cock and balls to pull me sing.
I try to talk tonnes
to repair what I broke.
Two lines are lost on the sidewalk.
Driven from the land through time.
Dries
and die when the sun is approved for the clouds
and cooks
in the morning.
You have your point of view
and drop the knife.
The spray of blood, as the stems of thistles
and your body is up.
Nobody knows how much it will do to hurt.
I dress the wound in the hand
to defend and return home on foot.
She slapped me and hit me
against weaker each time.
He refuses to go into
I have no phone
when calling for help.
You're right
Age is just a number
can not change it ore. Laws
You're right, three years nothing.
You're right, I could wait for three "miserable" year.
You're right, life is not fair.
Her skin is pale against the weather.
Lots of pain
through his shoes and worms
five years, destroying their own hearts
made in the morning
and I am afraid either.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Basketball Drawings Poem For Contest Please Comment?
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1 comments:
OK, there are some good things here, but you have to change.
You do not need the first line. The reader can imagine when it rains and the rain is not sunny in the rule. The following lines are more interesting without them.
I like your metaphor of the worm, but you may lose some things in the environment, which had to be explained (and then, and I have) and the plane, and give the reader a little more credit for what happens without this kind of thing.
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